Recently I saw a world-renowned coach encouraging their followers to continue a quest for unconditional love.
I’ll be honest: the post made me feel hot and shaky with anxiety.
I’m here to challenge it.
As an expert who helps people who have experienced emotionally tumultuous situations – which includes toxic and abusive relationships, predominantly using strategies for self-love – I can tell you for sure, this isn’t something you should encourage?
Because not a single person on this planet who is balanced and healthy can offer unconditional love.
Because in order to be balanced and healthy you must have an element of self love, which includes self care and just generally being emotionally available to yourself.
And anyone who cares for themselves is going to have boundaries. Why? Because in today’s environment, self-preservation is almost compulsory.
Still, you have people desperately seeking their “soul mate” who will offer them unconditional love, who will always have their back and who will save them from a bad situation.
Here’s the thing:
Just because you don’t eat the lion, doesn’t mean the lion won’t eat you.
Not everyone has your back how you want, hope or expect. So what is one to do in this kind of environment? There’s a simple solution…
With a little self love and self trust, you don’t need anyone to save you, have your back or offer you unconditional love – because first, only the right people will filter through to become a part of your world, but beyond that, you will always be there, 24’7, loving yourself unconditionally through the good times and the bad. You will have your own back.
And in order to have this piece for yourself, this self-preservation and the boundaries that keep the good guys in and the bad guys out…
You do it at the cost of only ever being able to offer someone CONDITIONAL love.
Any self-respecting human being will have their limits.
If they didn’t they would have low confidence, probably be fairly depressed and irritable – because they’re giving all of themselves … and would you really want to be with someone like that?
Having boundaries and limits is ok. It’s healthy!
Not giving away love unconditionally is also ok, and society needs to stop pressuring people to feel like that’s what they have to offer and must receive.
You don’t need to feel guilty or uncomfortable because you don’t love someone unconditionally. Giving all of yourself away like that is foolish. It strips you back. If you’re to lose the relationship, you’ll lose everything because you put all yourself into it.
You need to love yourself.
This fractures unconditional love because you can’t give unconditional love unless you’re giving all your love. If you’re saving a piece for yourself then it’s impossible to offer unconditional love. Because unconditional love means you have no love for yourself – no limitations – no boundaries. Only love.
It’s not only ok to love conditionally, but it’s easy!
You don’t even need to love yourself first!
That’s right – I’m throwing out the idea that you should love yourself above anyone else. Even just a fraction of self-love will make you healthier than someone with no self-love at all.
I’m also throwing out the idea that you need to love yourself before you find someone else to love. That is a myth. Sometimes in finding love, you’re able to learn how to love fully and completely.
You need to love yourself. Simply and basically.
Honour yourself enough to respect your boundaries and limitations. No matter how much it hurts at the time.
Conditional love is still love!
And while you love yourself – grow it. Fill the void with self-love if conditional love isn’t enough for you – because you are the only person who can offer yourself complete and unconditional love.
If everyone stops chasing the illusion of unconditional love and this fairytale ending, there
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