Whether you work with your narcissist, co-parent, or feel as though No Contact is simply not an option. There is another method you can try to detatch from your narcissist: Gray Rock.
This is for anyone who can’t do No Contact
No matter what the reason – if you need to keep contact with a narcissist or psychopath for any reason and you want to avoid being a target – then you need to implement the Gray Rock Method. This creates the space you need to be able to heal properly – but you do need to be really strong and very rigid in your decision to implement it. It still has rules and these rules can’t be broken if this is to work properly.
This is how you can use compulsory Contact – to your advantage…
Caution to those who are thinking of implementing this method
This is not meant to become a lifestyle change where you and the narcissist can happily continue contact and live harmoniously. It’s also not meant to make things more comfortable or even bearable for you. Sorry. This is a very short term solution to give you a break so you can start to properly detox from the relationship.
The aim of the Gray Rock Method is to make the psychopath/narcissist/energy vampire lose interest in you without them suspecting that was what you were trying to do.
Get set to play their game, their way, with your rules.
Resist getting addicted to the power-play high
We all have a little bit of narcissism in us. Resist taking your ego into this game – this isn’t about winning or losing – the key focus should be on getting them to go away. If your ego gets in the way, you risk a transference of their behaviours – a greater toxic sting – as you begin to thrive off unnecessary control and lose track of your empathy.
So once they go away – let it go.
It’s not about controlling them or regaining control, it’s about getting on with your life.
The key is to knowing when that point is…
This is only to be applied to this scenario
You should also be aware that this is not to be practised as a way of dealing with things all throughout your life – we are not actively encouraging disassociation. If you start getting symptoms of this which may include:
• Emotional numbing
• Depersonalisation – like having outer body experiences
• Derealisation – when the world feels fake
• Dissociative amnesia – blocks out time from minutes to years
• Identity confusion – struggling with seriously conflicted feelings
• Identity alteration – similar to multiple personality disorder, some parts of you are defined while others aren’t
Or if you experience anything else like this, please stop using the gray rock method and seek professional advice and other strategies that may help you.
What if they have decided they want to kill me?
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has decided they want to kill you; while implementing this also look into creating a bulletproof safety plan that will help you safely out of this relationship and situation. This method should just bide you a bit of time.
Be aware of their goal
The reason these people attack you and look for emotions is because they want to see that you have lost control – so they feel as though they’ve gained it. For them – it is a game. Win or lose. And they do not like to lose.
As they’re constantly empty and feel nothing, they depend on drama to make them feel alive.
By preemptively removing the things they’ve trained themselves to look out for while getting to know you, and not reacting with emotion at any losses, you are actually teaching them that you’re so boring there’s no way they want to be with you.
That’s right – I’m literally going to give you some tips on how to be boring. This doesn’t mean you are boring or you’ll become this way, it just means you have another skill that’s going to aid your escape and recovery from this relationship.
Where this method came from
Skylar created this method and coined the term “Gray Rock” in 2012 after she found herself in a pub, broken and confused following ongoing conflict with a narcissist. She struck up a conversation with a man who simply suggested “to be boring”.
She chose Gray Rock as she wanted us to visualise something we overlook every single day – so that we too may blend in. The method is “primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist, psychopath, stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you”. You can read more about her story here and a bit more here.
Here’s how it works – Sarah J Webb-style
Remember the aim: we want them to go elsewhere to create their drama. Contact with you needs to be consistently unsatisfying.
– DO NOT tell the person what you’re doing – you don’t want them to figure it out because they will use it against you.
– Give boring and monotonous responses: If they ask you something, your response is non-committal: “Hmmmm” or “Mmmm” – keep it casual.
– Don’t ask them ANY questions – you’re disinterested, aloof and uncaring.
– Only discuss “safe” topics: News (preferably the fluff stories you see at the end), fashion, cooking, weather – anything neutral – DO NOT share anything personal.
– Be distracted when they communicate with you: don’t look them in the eye, always be busy whether it’s drawing in a notepad, checking text messages/emails, knitting, working etc. (This will also protect you from being impacted by their attempts to manipulate you)
– Fade all your emotions out except for the ones you specifically want them to see. Do not allow them in your head at all – and NEVER justify yourself to them. Still react with AN emotion – you can use your urge to react as an indicator to react somehow, but don’t react with your real, raw, vulnerable emotion.
– Protect the things you value: Keep the things you value to yourself and instead, show the psychopath things you don’t value and pretend you do. This will stop them from affecting you so deeply because you won’t care so much about the things they destroy.
– If you’re a good-looking girl (you may not see it, but if you’re told) – use make up to make you appear as though you’ve let yourself go: add some bags under your eyes.
– Create the illusion that you have made a series of poor investment choices. Got a nice car? Buy a beat-up heap and tell them the breaks in the nice car are gone and you can’t afford to get it fixed (which is why it gets to stay) – unfortunately you have to make do with the junk car for a few months.
– If you’re in the midst of a smear campaign: go into celebrity-style hiding. Keep out of sight or fly under the radar as best you can. Don’t allow yourself to get into any compromising position or be pushed into behaving in a way that could be perceived as erratic.
– Stay home: when they ask you out on evenings and weekends, you’re not interested. Your response to this is going to be: “I don’t know”.
– Don’t have sex and don’t talk about sex with them: you no longer like intercourse. Not just with them – with anyone. Say “I just don’t like sex” – fact. No justification needed. If they accuse you of cheating, return to the “Mmmmm” and “Hmmmm” responses; act distracted.
Remember to visualise a gray rock as you practise it. Become they gray rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but they blend in and don’t attract any attention.
Your mission is set: let’s get boring!