YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME?!
So what you’re saying is:
I’m in a relationship where I’m tormented to the edge of my sanity.
I fight my deepest fears, my self-doubt, my shame, guilt and guilt and I march myself out of there (ok, more drag myself on the ground out of there) with zero self-esteem and self-worth…
And now I’m freakin’ out – I’m CLEAR of them – I cannot stop thinking about them?
Are you serious???
I’m really here … now … still fighting myself? Still struggling? Still feeling like I’m no further ahead than when I was completely stuck?
Welcome to the self-torture of leaving a highly toxic relationship. Where we’re no longer in this high-intensity relationship, but we’re so used to it that we actually recreate it within ourselves. Like our own deep-seeded and subconscious repetition compulsion.
And this is PART of the detox.
It’s the part a lot of people give in and cocede: “I think about them day and night, I must love them” – and they go back.
This isn’t love. And even if it is – just because you love something doesn’t make it good, right and healthy for you. Like chocolate cake, right?
So what part of the healing process is this?
This is part of overcoming the addiction – some may say it’s one of the more challenging part.
Anyone experiencing this may agree: it can make you want to personally remove your brain from your skull. The rest of you is going great – it’s just the overwhelm of these obsessive thoughts that feels as though it’s keeping you stuck.
It does nothing for your self-trust, in fact, it makes you further loathe yourself and want to distance yourself from yourself … and that’s really unhelpful at a time when we need to be doing the complete opposite.
So today I put a call out to my free group “Screw you, I’m choosing me” to see what everyone was thinking about at that moment: “Hey! What are you thinking about?”
15 responses quickly returned. Of all these responses: 12 of these responses were focused on the ex.
That’s more than 3/4 of people answering a question that has no context and no reference to their ex-partner.
Needless to say people want to heal and theyre looking everywhere for the information; but they’re going in circles because they don’t know how to help themselves.
So why do we keep going there?
What is up with us??
We’re finally free!
Shouldn’t we just be able to forget it?
Why can’t we stop thinking about it?
1. Trauma. It’s likely you were groomed for this.
2. Trauma bonds. You’re also struggling to overcome the trauma bonds connected to this toxic person.
I believe the level of trauma these relationships create for us will be reflected in the number of obsessessive thoughts we suffer after. If you’re suffering a lot from the trauma the relationship caused, you will really feel it in your thoughts.
I can promise you – it is possible to get past this.
It is possible; but only if you’re willing to put in the work – it really does come down to you.
I want to share a breakthrough one of our members had back in June. They were listening to a podcast when they had a complete breakthrough – which was always known but they were so busy processing and dealing with the craziness and emotions to realise this truth.
“I attracted this repeat relationship by not making the changes required myself to realise I deserved more, by living habitually rather than purposefully. I accept my responsibility and by pursuing this track, we will literally end up on two different planes of existence (lower and higher conscious beings) as they will not change. They have NO power other than that which I give him. Even by speaking to friends about him, I give the universe the impression he is worthwhile discussing. So apart from referring back to my ‘truth’ notes when I need, I’m erasing internal and external commentary about him, to rise above and leave the toxic growth behind.”
If you’re thoughts are stopping you from functioning to your usual level – it’s time to do something about it.
Here’s a few things that worked for me:
1. Be aware
Dr Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” so start with this – three things keep us truly stuck: Blame, Excuse and Denial (in the coaching world we call these BEDtime stories that we tell ourselves – ain’t that the truth?)
If you want to be authentic and you’re holding people accountable for not being honest with you – start with yourself.
Are you being honest with yourself?
You say you want to heal – but are you really taking the right steps that you need to heal?
How’s the commitment to yourself going?
Are you putting yourself first?
Are you participating in regular self-care? Self-awareness is really going to help you.
2. Stop yourself
If you ever need self-control and willpower in your life, now is definitely the time! You are already aware that it’s best not to be thinking about them at all, and that actually – these thoughts are breaking No Contact and/or Extremely Modified Contact.
These thoughts are the one thing you CAN control – so don’t cave to them.
Once you’re aware of a thought that is even remotely about your ex – say out loud to yourself “Stop” and then distract yourself with a self-care activity.
We want to stop them in their tracks. Try to keep yourself really busy. It’s not that we want to suppress anything, but we need to slow these thoughts down as much as we can.
3. Release your emotions
Part of being aware is knowing what your thoughts are saying: are they telling you that you’re angry? Are you sad? Are you grieving? Are you a combination? Start teasing out the emotions you’re experiencing in your thoughts and sit with them.
Allow yourself to process your emotions bit by bit. You may like to journal. Write a letter you’ll never send. You may like to smash a pillow against a bed or couch and bash the anger out. You may like to go and cry in the shower. Whatever it is for you – become aware of it and go release it!
4. Cut the cord
CUT IT! For those who don’t know already, I really like practical strategies. I’m not hugely into the fluffy stuff and I only promote what really has worked for me and helped me in the past.
If you can’t just depend on your willpower to stop the thoughts, then Psychic Cord cutting can really help – here’s a blog post all about cutting these cords. You may also like to use blocking visualisations – build a brick wall up really high, a really thick one between you both and block them out.
5. Limit triggers
If you still live in the same home, if you still work at the same workplace, if you’re still chatting with their family or mutual friends … you are going to find it really challenging to get beyond these toxic thoughts that are driving you crazy.
Start decluttering your space of all the little reminders and limiting contact with anyone who makes you think of your ex. Let it all go for six to 12 months and then check in.
If you want to reconnect; if you want those items you stored; if you want to pick up the phone and call them … go for it! Just allow yourself six to 12 months of solid healing first.
This one is totally down to you. How can you speak to yourself? How can you treat yourself? How would you care for your best friend if they had been through the exact same situation?
Self-compassion is the key to getting through a lot of your healing. Instead of telling yourself what you “can’t” do, focus on all the things you “can” do – and start taking action.
And finally – I want to finish with this…
Tony Robbins says it best when he says:
“Where focus goes – energy flows.”
Where do you want your energy flowing? To something in the past? The past helped you to get where you are – but to get where you want to be, could it be time to reassess and try something different?
How could you shift your energy from flowing backwards to flowing forwards?
Rather than being scared of the pain you’re experiencing and the loneliness and the overwhelming emotions … what can you do now to start looking forward to the adventure this journey brings?
Because once you really get into it … once you’re really doing it right … this whole healing journey – it’s actually not only life-changing, it’s also pretty enjoyable!
So keep a present or forward focus.
Keep a healing focus.
Keep a focus on what’s good, what’s right and what you can do!
And no matter what: keep going!