The Break Up (0 – 3 months)
“Pain is inevitable in life, but suffering is optional”
You’ve just got out of the relationship and the real struggle is overcoming your self-doubt: did you make the right decision? What if you got it wrong? And once you decide you have, you struggle with: but what if I don’t find someone else? What if no one else loves me? They did keep saying XYZ – what if that’s just who I am? Our self-talk is really intense and it’s all over the place, so the first part is to take action in a way that will help to refocus this self-talk and start moving us in a direction that we can actually start healing.
What people are asking:
– I’ve been doing No Contact really well but tonight I got drunk and text my ex – how do I respond if I get a reply?
– I am still practising No Contact but I can’t deny that everyday I’m still thinking about her – but I’m staying away and doing all the right things: why is this so hard?
– I can’t do No Contact because we have kids together/we work together/they’re my parent. I’m doing Extremely Modified Contact but it’s impossible to move forward because every time we connect I get triggered. I’m at breaking point!
– How do I switch off and not give an ounce of care towards the person especially when they hoover, which they still can with No Contact?
– What tools do people use to emotionally detach from the narc and emotionally attach to yourself?
What you can do:
1. Make a commitment: The very first thing you need to do, the moment you walk out the door from that person (or the moment you decide to) is make a commitment to yourself. This commitment is about building a whole new relationship with yourself; it’s about putting yourself first; it’s about resolving your needs as they appear; it’s about committing to the challenge of figuring out what soothes you and what doesn’t – and trying it when you need. It’s about committing and taking FULL responsibility for your healing. What’s the primary commitment you need to make? To HEAL. If you’re not committed to your healing, but you’re going to dabble in it just when it hurts from time to time: guess what? You’re setting yourself up for a really frustrating, painful journey – and I can guarantee, you won’t heal. Get really clear, what you’re trying to achieve right from the start – write it out and SIGN IT. Make it real.
2. Trust yourself: The piece interlinks with our commitment to healing. We need to commit to doing everything we can, within our power, to rebuild our self-trust. Guess what? When we break a commitment to ourselves, we also break out self-trust: this is called self-sabotage. So when we know exactly what we’re meant to do – but something is stopping us from doing it, we need to look really deeply into that. Do we want to heal or not? If we don’t, if this pain isn’t great enough, then what do we need to do want to heal? It’s important to commit first. Also, a lot of people say “Well I trust myself – but I don’t trust them: they’re the ones who hurt me” – they deny any responsibility in what has happened to them. That’s ok but it slams the door on you and your commitment to heal. Part of healing is being vulnerable and honest with yourself (and it’s not coincidence that this also helps to build self-trust). Let’s get real: how did this person come into your life to begin with? Were you vulnerable? What role did you play in allowing things to continue? Were you lying to yourself to try to stay strong? Were you denying your needs above the needs of others? If a friend treated you how you have treated yourself since meeting the toxic person: would you still be friends? Most of us say no: so why tolerate it from yourself? We need to start patching that relationship up.
3. Be honest with yourself: Now to really bring home this self-trust piece, we need to get honest with ourselves. Why? Because this is the biggest part of building any relationship, isn’t it? If someone lies to us (and we’re conscious of it), we generally step back from that person; in order to step toward ourselves, we really need to start being honest. Shift your self-talk so that you’re speaking to yourself as you would your very best friend; and where you see yourself not being honest, gently call yourself out on it.
So, when I hear people in the group say things like “I am still practising No Contact but I can’t deny that everyday I’m still thinking about her – but I’m staying away and doing all the right things: why is this so hard?” – we can see they’re not being honest with us (no problem – we just step back, right?) – same with “How do I switch off and not give an ounce of care towards the person especially when they hoover, which they still can with No Contact?”. Where you’re implementing No Contact or Grey Rock/Extremely Modified Contact properly, there shouldn’t be any way these hoovering tactics work because you should be distanced from it.
Where all of these tactics will fail and where you will continue to feel pain in your healing is when you attempt to fool or lie to your subconscious. This means, deep inside, you know somewhere in your healing you’re not doing something – the question is: are you willing to find out what it is and make a change? Or are you going to blame something and continue to stay stuck? Lying to ourselves is the single most painful thing we can do to ourselves in our recovery – it’s self-sabotaging, and generally it takes a coach with balls to call it out so that you can make a shift. YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
I tell people how to do No Contact for free – so there’s no excuse for anyone not knowing what to do. The piece that is holding most people up is consciously stopping these thoughts: until you are doing this – you are no implementing No Contact at all. You can’t even start to count No Contact as No Contact until you are mindful of this and consciously stopping your subconscious mind from going there – it takes your own willpower to get beyond this.
Similar with Grey Rock or Extremely Modified Contact – where you implement it correctly, you are in control – so where are they getting the fuel to continue to trigger you when they’re not meant to know anything about the new you? What can you shift and change to make sure they can’t trigger you back in? Remember, if you argue or try to correct their smear campaign or their attempt at scrutiny: you are making yourself more of a target by giving them fuel.
Affirmations and positive chants, and tools such as Psychic Cord Cutting, can also help to break this powerful attachment and make me feel more in control as well – you can make these yours if you wish:
Evil send must come to rest; Reflect it back to who knows best; Energy spent for evil and bane, Go back now from wherever you came; Far away I send you this hour; May all your attempts to harm lose power!
Any energy that serves me no longer, please leave now. Thank you for your presence. Now I am sending you home.
“All negativity around me is broken. I am filled with the loving light of the universe.”